Resistance/Denial

I have been in denial for months...we really aren't moving. I've refused to think about, I talk about it in general terms, I know I should be doing things to prepare for the move. And, I have. I've cleaned out excessive clothing, toys etc...it feels good to do that spring cleaning...in the fall :) But, I've not really been able to wrap my mind around the fact that we are moving.
I feel like a mountain...completely unmovable. I don't want to go...but I have to.
It's not that I don't want to see my family and friends, I really do. It's been too long. But, the idea of physically moving my belongs and starting over, it's just too much for me right now. I love being in Singapore, I've made a ton of good friends, I have a good church, I feel settled...apparently too settled because I don't want to go.
We got the suitcases out a week or so ago.
Matt's started packing and sorting out his clothes, deciding where everything is going to go.
Kayla has packed a few books and toys, a favorite blanket and some winter clothes.
Elijah, funny boy that he is, threw 2 shorts outfits into the suitcase, his favorite books and a few toys and called himself done.
Me? What have I packed? Nothing! I physically can't do it.
Earlier I went to my closet and said I can do this, opened the doors, looked at the winter clothes and dresses hanging there and said I can't do this! I closed the doors and walked away.
The moving company is coming TOMORROW to do our survey. They want to know what is going to go into each shipment. I found out this morning that they are coming and because I have been resisting the idea of moving and being in total denial, I'm not ready.
I tried again a few minutes ago to start packing. I took a suitcase into the homeschool room and figured I'd start there. Most of it's sorted anyway. I laid a book in the bag and I had this really heavy feeling in my heart, I can't do this...but I have to. So, I laid a second book in there, it was harder than the first...then I got to the third book and by this time there are tears in my eyes. I can't do this. I don't know why it's so much harder this time. It's harder than when we left Charlotte and harder than when we left Nairobi...but why?
I don't understand. It makes no sense. We are going back to the states, I should be excited, over the moon. I know so many people who would love to be in my position, so why can't I get excited about it??? I don't know.
What I do know is that only God can move mountains: "I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20
I also know: "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
So, please pray with me that God will move this mountain, that I will have the strength and endurance to win this battle, because it feels like a battle...and that I will feel God's strength with me, helping me pack those suitcases. Because, unfortunately, they are not going to pack themselves and I so, can not, do it by myself...please pray.