Daily Struggles

So, somewhere along the lines, I lost my perspective for this blog. It was always meant to be a "safe" place for me to tell my true feelings. I was writing it for me and me alone, but then I started wondering/worrying what other people will think. When I started doing that, I stopped writing from the heart and started writing more superficially. When I started doing that, I noticed writing felt more like a chore than something that I wanted to do. So, I stopped writing as much. Well, honestly, not that many people actually read this blog and if someone starts reading it and doesn't like what it says, they can always stop reading it and move on to something else. That's part of the beauty of the world we live in. 

I love being around people who are "real" and I like to be real as well. I'm not sure when I stopped being "real" and started faking it, putting that smile on my face. I know that people don't like to be around people who are down all the time and who complain all the time. I am not trying to complain and trying not to be a downer, but I am done faking it.

Since we came back to Athens in January, I have seriously been struggling with depression. The kids have as well, and it's harder for me to gauge how bad their depression is. I know children being depressed is a hard concept to imagine, it was for me too. So, I looked it up. Did you know that: About 2.5% of children in the U.S. suffer from depression. Depression is significantly more common in boys under age 10. But by age 16, girls have a greater incidence of depression. (WebMD) 

I was pretty shocked. I have been debating whether I should get medicated or not. I don't like the idea of being medicated and I dislike having to deal with health care here again. That alone depresses me! But, I know some of my triggers are being overtired and dreary weather. My insomnia is pretty out of control, but I know this is a temporary problem. The dreary weather is also not going to last forever.  I am very thankful that this is only one of our "temporary" homes and it's not our final destination. For now, I am choosing not to be medicated. I feel very heavy and extremely tired, but I am able to see through the darkness and do the things I need to do on a daily basis. We are making the most of our situation and we are trying very hard to get out and do things. 
 

I was listening to music this morning and this song came on by Francesca Battistelli:
                              "Hands Of God"
                           (feat. Matt Hammitt)

On my own
I've been falling to the pressure
There's a weight
That's been heavy on my shouldersI need you
To lift me up
I'm so tired
Of trying to make up new excuses
Faking smiles
Trying to hide I'm only human
I need you
To lift me up
'Cause on my own
Is not enough

[Chorus:]
Every time you speak out
And say the words I need to hear
Every time you reach out
I can feel His love so near
I hope you know
To me you are
The hands of God

I don't doubt
God is with me in the valley
But I believe
He gave me you
To remind me
The face of love
An answered prayer
The hands of God
With me right here[Chorus]

Every time you listen to me
'Cause you know I need a friend
Every time you stop what you're doing
And help me find my way again
I hope you know
To me you are
The hands of God

You are the hand upon my shoulder when I'm hurting
You are the voice of truth and love when I am searching
For every time you reach to help me in my need
One day, Jesus will say, You did it for Me

[Chorus]

Every time you listen to me
'Cause you know I need a friend
Every time you stop what you're doing
And help me find my way again
I hope you know
To me you are
The hands of God

The words that are bold and in italics are the ones that resonated with me so much. I also know that dwelling on negative situations, listening to a lot of music with negative lyrics, or reading books with lots of cussing and negativity are not good for me either. I am taking extreme measures right now by only listening to Christian music, reading books without any cussing and junk and trying not to be a negative, complaining ninny. Trying to capture every thought and turn it over to God. What I need most is to keep my focus on God, looking up and not out. Doing the best I can, asking my friends and family for prayers. So, if you happen to be reading this, I am in the valley, but I feel God with me. If you would like to help us, lift us up in prayer.

Are you in the valley too?? You are not alone, let me know how I can be lifting you up in prayer. 

Truths I am holding on to:

 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

"Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:4