Crying over dog poop

 I got up this morning and hurriedly got dressed, and as I put on my workout shirt, the corner of my watch broke! It's one of those health mate watches where you track everything (BP, weight, exercise, heart rate etc.). Matt got it for me for Christmas, so I have literally had it a month. I don't even know how it broke, it's not like I was being rough, or that I have been rough with the watch. I didn't have time to process my upset and disappointment, because I needed to get moving, I have a lot going on today, and have a lot of things that I need to do.

After that I headed quietly downstairs because I didn't want to wake the puppy....no such luck. He started whining immediately, so I grabbed my coat and went over to him and noticed that he had just pooped (didn't realize he was actually pooping), so I picked him up and took him outside to his bathroom area where he peed. I was like, okay, all is good. I took him back inside, cleaned up the puppy pads and proceeded to make my coffee and grab my breakfast. I had given him his chew toy, thinking he would be happy and quiet. Nope, he kept whining because he wanted me. After I settled at the table to do my devotions he finally settled down a bit too, just occasional whining to let me know he still wanted my attention. After a bit Matt came down and started getting his stuff ready too. Junior started the whole whining thing again, so Matt took him out and he used the bathroom again. Once Matt brought him back in he set about trying to be mischievous in his space. We ignored him. After a while he started whining again, so I took him back outside. Once I came in and got him back in his play area, I turned and stepped lightly on something, it was already squished poop 😖. So, Matt and I set about trying to clean it up, and figure out where it had come from. He checked his shoes and socks, they were clean. I only had one sock on, because I had just taken off the one that had landed in the poop. I went and sat back down at the table and thought about where it had come from. That is when I realized that I had picked him up in mid-poop the very first time I had taken him out this morning and that some had landed on the floor. When I had brought him back in, that is when I had apparently squished it with the one sock I was still wearing😡😫😭 and then proceeded to walk ALL over my kitchen and dining room floors in complete ignorance. At this point, I had had it. I just put my head down and started crying, it was just too much. Now, my rock star husband, proceeded to go upstairs and get the mop bucket and mop the entire floor, to be sure that it was all cleaned up.

Now, I was not really crying over the poop, I was crying for a multitude of reasons and that was just the straw that broke the camels back, so to speak. I have been sick for a while and am still recovering, so I am extra fatigued. I am not sleeping well and last night was no exception, so I was not ready to get up when the alarm went off at 4:50am. My blood pressure has been out of whack since around June, it's either too high, or too low, and both make me fatigued with lots of headaches, and at times cranky. We are adjusting to a new puppy, we are adjusting to Kayla having gone back to school over the weekend, we are adjusting to Matt having been home for weeks and going back to work tomorrow. We have really been trying to get back into our FULL school routine this week. I taught youth group again last night for the first time in a few weeks. People are putting expectations on me that I am not sure I can or should even try to handle. Plus, just dealing with some other stuff that I can't mention right now, right here. So, I let myself cry for a minute or two, wiped my face and got up to go take my shower.

Once I got upstairs I plugged in my Alexa and I was like "I don't know what kind of mood I am in and what will be the best thing to listen to while I get ready." Then the song "Goodness of God" popped into my head (I am sure God put it there), so I listened to it on repeat while I was getting ready this morning. As often happens when I am in the shower, I could feel God speaking to me (because I am alone with no distractions), through the song and in general too. I started to worship and praise God because I KNOW that God has ALWAYS been faithful to me, and that was what I was focusing on in that moment, trying to improve my mood.

Anyway, I took the time to clip my nails this morning, such a small thing, but I am so good at taking care of other people, but not as good at taking care of myself. Again, clipping nails is such a small thing, but something I have not taken the time to do, because I was so busy doing other things, for other people. As I was clipping my nails, the verse "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)." flitted through my head. I know this was from God. If I am not taking care of my body, even in the small ways, how can I take care of my body in the big ways? If I want to serve God fully, and I do, then I need to do better with managing my self-care. Obviously, this is my own fault, and it is something I need to recognize and fix. 

So, then the words of the song really started penetrating my subconscious (third time through), and I started to cry again. Here are the lyrics:

I love You, Lord
Oh Your mercy never fails me
All my days, I've been held in Your hands
From the moment that I wake up
Until I lay my head
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God

Cause all my life You have been faithful
And all my life You have been so, so good
With every breath that I am able
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God

I love Your voice
You have led me through the fire
And in darkest night You are close like no other
I've known You as a Father
I've known You as a Friend
And I have lived in the goodness of God, yeah

And all my life You have been faithful, ohh
And all my life You have been so, so good
With every breath that I am able
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God, yeah

'Cause Your goodness is running after, it's running after me
Your goodness is running after, it's running after me
With my life laid down, I'm surrendered now
I give You everything
'Cause Your goodness is running after, it's running after me, oh-ohh
'Cause Your goodness is running after, it's running after me
Your goodness is running after, it's running after me
With my life laid down, I'm surrendered now
I give You everything
'Cause Your goodness is running after, it keeps running after me

And all my life You have been faithful
And all my life You have been so, so good
With every breath that I am able
Oh, I'm gonna sing of the goodness of God
I'm gonna sing, I'm gonna sing
'Cause all my life You have been faithful
And all my life You have been so, so good
With every breath that I am able
Oh, I'm gonna sing of the goodness of God
Oh, I'm gonna sing of the goodness of God 

The line that is bolded is when I started crying again. Because, again, I felt the Lord speaking to me once again. The first thing you should know is that SURRENDER is the word that the Lord gave me for 2021. I have been meaning to write a blog post on it, but with so many things going on, I just haven't had the time. The second thing you should know is that I haven't been surrendering to the Lord, and that is why it hit so hard. I have not surrendered my fatigue, my health, my frustrations at the things that I have not been able to do, my frustrations of the expectations that people have put on me (either real or perceived), the feelings of lack of control when the dog poops (lol) where we don't want him to, I have not surrendered my all. AND that is what brought me to tears again. I needed to surrender this stuff to Him, instead of trying to carry this heavy load that I was not meant to carry.

Maybe I sound crazy, and that is okay, but this is where I am at today. I am going to do some self-care, in the areas that I can. This looks like not working together with Elijah with school today, he will only do his independent work, because my emotional health is very unstable and if we get into math and he gets frustrated, I am going to cry. It looks like putting more of Junior's care on Elijah today. It looks like going to the dentist, even though I don't want to, to get a filling fixed that has cracked. It looks like taking a nap this afternoon and finding another pocket of time to just be alone and do something that I enjoy doing. It also looks like surrendering some (all) of the junk that I am holding on to. What does self-care look like for you today? Are you taking care of your emotional, mental, physical health? Do you have things that you are carrying around that you need to surrender? Can I just give you a bit of advice? Take some time for self-care today (and every day) and figure out what you need to surrender, or you just might find yourself crying over dog poop.