The Battle

My current battle is a very dark depression. I know I am not alone in this. I posted to several groups on Facebook requesting ideas for books, bible verses, songs etc that people read/listen to when they are feeling down. This post is going to be on the information I have gathered and a few things not to say, as well as what you could say to someone going through depression. My prayer as I write this, is that this post will not only help me, but help others too.

The American Heritage Student Dictionary defines depression as: 

1a. The condition of feeling sad and despondent.

1b, A psychiatric disorder characterized by extreme and persistent sadness, and often feelings of guilt or helplessness, difficulty concentrating and sleeping, loss of appetite, and the inability to experience pleasure; clinical depression.

I am going to be honest with you. Friday I woke up and I was miserable. Very snippy, short, exhausted. I had a hard time getting out of bed and even once I was up I felt very heavy, like there was this huge fog in my head, making it difficult to concentrate, I felt miserable like I was getting sick. So I said to my husband, "I just don't know what is wrong with me!" He looked at me and practically spit, "You are depressed!" I recoiled like I had been hit. "I am NOT! I think I would know if I was depressed, I am fine, just tired."

You have to understand, my husband does not spit at me, raise his voice, get aggravated with me, so this was totally out of character for him. I didn't know what HIS problem was! (He was worried about me)

He went on to work and I sat there stewing in my juices. The more I thought about it the more agitated I became. He was actually right, I was depressed. (def 1b to be exact) (On a side note, we ALL NEED someone who is willing to speak truth to us, no matter what the consequences!) How did I not see this coming? How did I not recognize it? Still being honest, it was darker, more sinister than I have ever felt before. I didn't like the way it made me feel. (and, for those who are worried, I was not/am not suicidal, nor do I have feelings of hurting myself, my husband or my children)

After thinking about my husband's reaction and my emotions and the way I was acting and had been acting for days (again, how did I miss it?), I decided I HAD to be put on medicine. I couldn't function like this. I called and made an appointment with my doctor for that morning, before I changed my mind. *This is not easy to write or admit*
After talking to the doctor for a while "You came here for medicine?" "Yep, pretty much, give me happy pills, I don't want to feel like this (or feel at all for that matter)!" Not going to go into to many details, he refused at that time to put me on medicine, I cried through talking to him (I'm not a person who cries in front of other people), I felt desperate. I was mad too. This doctor knows me, I NEVER ask for medicine. I hate medicine (it is necessary and I have to take it for BP and stuff, so I'm NOT knocking medicine), I just don't ask for it and I'm not on it it unless it is absolutely necessary! He was however willing to prescribe something if I talked to the Psychiatrist. I refused. Stalemate. I am not going to go and talk to someone about my feelings.(my exact words to him) Give me a break. He thought I was being unreasonable (I probably was/am), that it would be beneficial to get to the root of the problem (I can tell you the root of the problem, anybody know what I am talking about?!), and it wouldn't just be sitting around talking about feelings. I came away hurt, feeling stupid for reaching out and feeling like a seeker. He called me later that afternoon and told me he had talked to the Psychiatrist and they were willing to put me on something to get me through the next 6 months (until we move back to the states). I was like, to little, to late, I don't want your medicine thanks anyway. (Have I mentioned I am stubborn?!) He sent me the BECK test and asked me to fill it out and get it right back to him. Yep, I got right on that (I'm sarcastic too). I couldn't think or function, couldn't decide what to do, so I went and sat and watched 4 hours of Gilmore Girls. I completely tuned everything else out, I didn't have to think or feel that way. On Monday I filled out the Beck test and sent it back to the doctor. He called that afternoon "You know, with numbers that HIGH we really like to see you on something, we think it could be beneficial. We are not going to make you, but we will wait to hear from you." "Great, Doc, I'll think on it and get back to you." Today's Wednesday, I am still thinking on it. It's not like I am trying to be stubborn, I truly don't want to be medicated, I don't know how I will react or how it will interact with the other medications I am on. There comes a time when you are so depressed you have to be medicated, and that may be where some of you are now, and that is okay. I am just not sure if I need to be or not.

Anyway, I am reading FerVent by Priscilla Shirer and she said "Passion is the fuel in the engine of your purpose. It's your 'want to.' It's what keeps you going when mundane tasks bore you or difficult ones dissuade you. Passion is what keeps you moving in the direction your best intentions want you to go. Have you lost your passion? Has your get-up-and-go simply gotten-up-and-gone?"
I was like "This is IT, I have lost my Passion!" I simply can't seem to care about most things, and I am MAKING myself do the things I know need to get done. She was not talking about depression here, but to me she could have been. Because that is what depression feels like. Your get-up-and-go has simply went.

Ann Voskamp said in her post "What Every Hard Week Ahead Needs": "No one knows but you do war every single day with the slanderous voices in your head and you wrestle a bit with the death dark that encroaches around the edges of everything and you’re never the only one: anyone who gets up has to push back the dark."

How did she know what I was feeling? Ladies, you are not alone. I am not along. I think at some point in time this is something that every one of us struggles with, to one degree or another. So, what are we going to do about it?

First, I am going to share some things of what NOT to say to someone you know who is going through a depression (and these were ALL said to me in the past few days):

Does your husband make you depressed? (Um, no, he doesn't!)
I love this place, I don't understand how you can be depressed! (Every place is different for every person, and thanks that makes me feel soooo much better!)
You need to not take life so seriously! (How exactly is this helpful?)
Do you drink? (Is this going to make it better or worse? And, no I don't, would it help if I did?)
Seeing a Psychiatrist is a waste of time and money, just find a girlfriend to talk to. (Sometimes we need professional help)
I just don't know what to do for you. (again, not helpful, I don't want you to do something for me)
I know exactly what you are going through. (I am sure I have said this to someone and if I have I am so SORRY, I didn't know! Depression is different for everyone. I have learned this over the past few days. I mentioned at the beginning of this post that it is the darkest I have ever felt. I can only imagine that it can and does get so much worse. There are degrees to depression, where you truly are just feeling blue, or the extreme where you are ready to kill yourself or someone else, if you are there, please seek help. I promise you all, if I ever reach that point ^and I am praying I don't^ I will seek professional help).

Second, I want to thank everyone who responded to my post on Facebook. I am going to list the suggestions that were given to me, in the hopes that they will help someone out there.

• exercise (run, walk, jog, workout video)
• make a gratitude journal
• Make a playlist of music you personally connect with
• Eat chocolate
• take a bath
• Hang out with a friend
• call a friend
• read
• Read Karen Kingsbury's books
• Do She Reads Truth Studies
• Listen to classic country music
• listen to sermons by Ligonier and Phil Robertson
• Burn candles (I am doing this right now!!!)
• pot roast in the crock-pot (or anything in the crock-pot because then you have accomplished something!! My dinner is already in the crock-pot for tonight, I have accomplished one thing :))
• Bible Journaling (this is one thing I do)
• have a list of projects or things to do laying around for "someday" when you are depressed and can't think of anything to do because you can't see around the darkness, pull this list out and accomplish something.

Bible verses or Books of the Bible to read (if you are not interested in this skip this and keep going):

• Jeremiah 29:11*
• Psalm 34:4
• Bible app
• Ecclesiastes
• Hosea
• Habakkuk
• Isaiah 41:10*
• Isaiah 41:13*
• Hebrews 10:35-36*
• 2 Thessalonians 3:3*
• Philippians 4:13*
• Isaiah 43:1-4
• Colossians 1:17
• Psalms 23
• Philippians 4:8

*Some of my personal favorites, or go-to verses.

I had an overwhelming list of Music given to me, so I will do my best to list at least all the artists:

• Rend Collective-The Art of Celebration
• "I'll Keep On" by NF
• 10th Avenue North
• Lauren Daigle's album**
• Danny Gokey's Album "Hope in Front of Me"
• "Unchanged" & "Unstoppable" by Rascal Flatts
• "Go Get It" by Mary Mary
• "Behold Our God" by Together for the Gospel
• Michael W. Smith's Worship Album
• Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir
• Chris Tomlin
• "Sons and Daughters"
• Bethel Worship
• "Bound for Glory" by Vertical Church Band
• Fireproof Album
• "I will Praise You in this Storm"
• Hillsong Oceans
• Hymn "Praise the Lord Almighty"
• Jill Phillips
• Mercy River
• Selah
• Sanctus Real
• Sara Groves
• Christy Nockels
• RSB
• Steven Curtis Chapman
• Andrew Peterson
• Audrey Assad
• Alisa Turner
• Tom Keene
• Mandisa
• Robbie Seay Band
• Janna Long
• Nicole Nordeman
• Bethany Dillon
• Sarah Reeves
• David Crowder Band
• Matthew West

**This Album was recommended multiple times and it is also one that I love. Especially the songs "O'Lord" and "Trust in You."

A few other things I would add, know your triggers, what sets you off. This is SO hard. I don't know all my triggers and I imagine you don't know all of yours. I do know that when I don't get a good night's sleep I am more likely to be down. I also know when I spend a lot of time on social media, or playing video games, it brings me down. Also, if I don't have anything productive to do (rarely happens, but still.) See if you can start identifying your triggers. Another thing I would add, if you can, avoid drama. We all have our own drama, we don't need to be wrapped up in another persons (real, TV or books even!). 

I was listening to music as I was getting ready this morning, half paying attention when this song came on:

"To the voice to the liar in the mirror saying you can't ever change, to the guilt that sittin on your shoulder always keeping you locked in chains. To the past that you can't undo, to the pain that your walkin through, to the small and big mistakes, this is what love wants to say, say goodbye." This is Mandisa's song "Say Goodbye."

Another line says "Don't have to let your story stop here." That one line is really what got my attention. My story doesn't have to end here, and neither does yours. This is a beginning, I mean, after all, isn't admitting you have a problem the first step? 

One of my defense mechanisms (and I don't know why because it's not a good one) is to start isolating myself. A few days before I realize I am depressed (I always first assume it is PMS) I start shutting down. I stop texting friends and family, stop putting posts up, stop going places. This is not good for me and if you do it, it's not good for you either. Please reach out and let someone know what you are going through (you don't have to write a blog post and let the whole world know!).

I have a quote on my bathroom mirror, a daily reminder that says "God and His plan for you do not change in the crossroads." It's from Suzanne Eller's book The Mended Heart: God's Healing For Your Broken Places. Sometimes, when you are in the middle of a depression, it can feel like a crossroads. Do you continue to lie in bed? Or do you get up? Do you take a shower and get dressed? Or do you go lay on the couch? 

Please, let me encourage you, no matter how deep, or how dark the depression may be, to celebrate the small moments. That may be silly, but if you are depressed and you got out of bed today and took a shower and got dressed, congratulations, you have accomplished something!  I know it wasn't easy, but you did it! 

If you think you know someone who is depressed, try to encourage her (or him). Ask if they want to talk about it. If so, please be willing to listen. If it's a pretty good friend, give them a hug, however, it comes with a warning: be prepared for them to cry all over your shoulder. If you are not prepared for that, don't hug them, because they are fragile and they are barely holding it together. Ask them what you can do for them? They may tell you nothing, after all, we are fine. However, please pray for them, no matter what they say. If you are still reading this, pray for me too. If you need prayer, let me know and I will pray for you too. This thing called life is HARD, and it throws some tough things at us. Let's encourage one another daily...it's what we are called to do.

I would like to say thank you to all of the wonderful ladies who contributed to this blog post by leaving comments on my Facebook posts. You have blessed me with your suggestions and my prayer is that they will bless others. I will not put last names to protect their (your) privacy.

 Mary, Tammy, Amber, Jan, Lillian, Jessica, Susanna, Andrea, Ce, Jill, Deanna, Jenn, Jennifer, Keisha, Linda, Connie, Pat, Karla, Megan, Jasmine, Sandra, Lucia, Jennifer, Meredith, Sybilla, Monica, Julie and Holli.