Friday Fun

I am pretty excited about our curriculum this year! It is a four day a week curriculum, allowing Friday to be a FUN day. A day for crafts, projects, field trips, games or anything else schoolish that we want to spend our time on! I have wanted this for years and I am so thankful it has finally worked out this year.
Yesterday was our first fun Friday of the school year. We started out the day with Kayla finishing a Science Experiment that we hadn't had everything for on Thursday (we had to improvise, thanks third world country). After that we opened our Tinkercrate box and built rockets (Science & Art). After building our rockets we went out and launched them...it was so much fun!
Once we got back to our apartment we had lunch and then played Ticket to Ride (History and Geography), Kayla won by a landslide. After lunch we headed over to the Embassy pool where we were supposed to meet a family we had met last week and a new family that just arrived this week. The family we met last week ended up being a no-show, so Kayla and Elijah had fun by themselves for a while. Later the new family arrived and not long after that so did several other families. We had a great time at the pool connecting with the new family and meeting some other people we had not met before. It was a great, relaxing afternoon.
Our first fun Friday was an enormous success!!! 

 I hope the videos work, you MUST watch :)

The Battle

My current battle is a very dark depression. I know I am not alone in this. I posted to several groups on Facebook requesting ideas for books, bible verses, songs etc that people read/listen to when they are feeling down. This post is going to be on the information I have gathered and a few things not to say, as well as what you could say to someone going through depression. My prayer as I write this, is that this post will not only help me, but help others too.

The American Heritage Student Dictionary defines depression as: 

1a. The condition of feeling sad and despondent.

1b, A psychiatric disorder characterized by extreme and persistent sadness, and often feelings of guilt or helplessness, difficulty concentrating and sleeping, loss of appetite, and the inability to experience pleasure; clinical depression.

I am going to be honest with you. Friday I woke up and I was miserable. Very snippy, short, exhausted. I had a hard time getting out of bed and even once I was up I felt very heavy, like there was this huge fog in my head, making it difficult to concentrate, I felt miserable like I was getting sick. So I said to my husband, "I just don't know what is wrong with me!" He looked at me and practically spit, "You are depressed!" I recoiled like I had been hit. "I am NOT! I think I would know if I was depressed, I am fine, just tired."

You have to understand, my husband does not spit at me, raise his voice, get aggravated with me, so this was totally out of character for him. I didn't know what HIS problem was! (He was worried about me)

He went on to work and I sat there stewing in my juices. The more I thought about it the more agitated I became. He was actually right, I was depressed. (def 1b to be exact) (On a side note, we ALL NEED someone who is willing to speak truth to us, no matter what the consequences!) How did I not see this coming? How did I not recognize it? Still being honest, it was darker, more sinister than I have ever felt before. I didn't like the way it made me feel. (and, for those who are worried, I was not/am not suicidal, nor do I have feelings of hurting myself, my husband or my children)

After thinking about my husband's reaction and my emotions and the way I was acting and had been acting for days (again, how did I miss it?), I decided I HAD to be put on medicine. I couldn't function like this. I called and made an appointment with my doctor for that morning, before I changed my mind. *This is not easy to write or admit*
After talking to the doctor for a while "You came here for medicine?" "Yep, pretty much, give me happy pills, I don't want to feel like this (or feel at all for that matter)!" Not going to go into to many details, he refused at that time to put me on medicine, I cried through talking to him (I'm not a person who cries in front of other people), I felt desperate. I was mad too. This doctor knows me, I NEVER ask for medicine. I hate medicine (it is necessary and I have to take it for BP and stuff, so I'm NOT knocking medicine), I just don't ask for it and I'm not on it it unless it is absolutely necessary! He was however willing to prescribe something if I talked to the Psychiatrist. I refused. Stalemate. I am not going to go and talk to someone about my feelings.(my exact words to him) Give me a break. He thought I was being unreasonable (I probably was/am), that it would be beneficial to get to the root of the problem (I can tell you the root of the problem, anybody know what I am talking about?!), and it wouldn't just be sitting around talking about feelings. I came away hurt, feeling stupid for reaching out and feeling like a seeker. He called me later that afternoon and told me he had talked to the Psychiatrist and they were willing to put me on something to get me through the next 6 months (until we move back to the states). I was like, to little, to late, I don't want your medicine thanks anyway. (Have I mentioned I am stubborn?!) He sent me the BECK test and asked me to fill it out and get it right back to him. Yep, I got right on that (I'm sarcastic too). I couldn't think or function, couldn't decide what to do, so I went and sat and watched 4 hours of Gilmore Girls. I completely tuned everything else out, I didn't have to think or feel that way. On Monday I filled out the Beck test and sent it back to the doctor. He called that afternoon "You know, with numbers that HIGH we really like to see you on something, we think it could be beneficial. We are not going to make you, but we will wait to hear from you." "Great, Doc, I'll think on it and get back to you." Today's Wednesday, I am still thinking on it. It's not like I am trying to be stubborn, I truly don't want to be medicated, I don't know how I will react or how it will interact with the other medications I am on. There comes a time when you are so depressed you have to be medicated, and that may be where some of you are now, and that is okay. I am just not sure if I need to be or not.

Anyway, I am reading FerVent by Priscilla Shirer and she said "Passion is the fuel in the engine of your purpose. It's your 'want to.' It's what keeps you going when mundane tasks bore you or difficult ones dissuade you. Passion is what keeps you moving in the direction your best intentions want you to go. Have you lost your passion? Has your get-up-and-go simply gotten-up-and-gone?"
I was like "This is IT, I have lost my Passion!" I simply can't seem to care about most things, and I am MAKING myself do the things I know need to get done. She was not talking about depression here, but to me she could have been. Because that is what depression feels like. Your get-up-and-go has simply went.

Ann Voskamp said in her post "What Every Hard Week Ahead Needs": "No one knows but you do war every single day with the slanderous voices in your head and you wrestle a bit with the death dark that encroaches around the edges of everything and you’re never the only one: anyone who gets up has to push back the dark."

How did she know what I was feeling? Ladies, you are not alone. I am not along. I think at some point in time this is something that every one of us struggles with, to one degree or another. So, what are we going to do about it?

First, I am going to share some things of what NOT to say to someone you know who is going through a depression (and these were ALL said to me in the past few days):

Does your husband make you depressed? (Um, no, he doesn't!)
I love this place, I don't understand how you can be depressed! (Every place is different for every person, and thanks that makes me feel soooo much better!)
You need to not take life so seriously! (How exactly is this helpful?)
Do you drink? (Is this going to make it better or worse? And, no I don't, would it help if I did?)
Seeing a Psychiatrist is a waste of time and money, just find a girlfriend to talk to. (Sometimes we need professional help)
I just don't know what to do for you. (again, not helpful, I don't want you to do something for me)
I know exactly what you are going through. (I am sure I have said this to someone and if I have I am so SORRY, I didn't know! Depression is different for everyone. I have learned this over the past few days. I mentioned at the beginning of this post that it is the darkest I have ever felt. I can only imagine that it can and does get so much worse. There are degrees to depression, where you truly are just feeling blue, or the extreme where you are ready to kill yourself or someone else, if you are there, please seek help. I promise you all, if I ever reach that point ^and I am praying I don't^ I will seek professional help).

Second, I want to thank everyone who responded to my post on Facebook. I am going to list the suggestions that were given to me, in the hopes that they will help someone out there.

• exercise (run, walk, jog, workout video)
• make a gratitude journal
• Make a playlist of music you personally connect with
• Eat chocolate
• take a bath
• Hang out with a friend
• call a friend
• read
• Read Karen Kingsbury's books
• Do She Reads Truth Studies
• Listen to classic country music
• listen to sermons by Ligonier and Phil Robertson
• Burn candles (I am doing this right now!!!)
• pot roast in the crock-pot (or anything in the crock-pot because then you have accomplished something!! My dinner is already in the crock-pot for tonight, I have accomplished one thing :))
• Bible Journaling (this is one thing I do)
• have a list of projects or things to do laying around for "someday" when you are depressed and can't think of anything to do because you can't see around the darkness, pull this list out and accomplish something.

Bible verses or Books of the Bible to read (if you are not interested in this skip this and keep going):

• Jeremiah 29:11*
• Psalm 34:4
• Bible app
• Ecclesiastes
• Hosea
• Habakkuk
• Isaiah 41:10*
• Isaiah 41:13*
• Hebrews 10:35-36*
• 2 Thessalonians 3:3*
• Philippians 4:13*
• Isaiah 43:1-4
• Colossians 1:17
• Psalms 23
• Philippians 4:8

*Some of my personal favorites, or go-to verses.

I had an overwhelming list of Music given to me, so I will do my best to list at least all the artists:

• Rend Collective-The Art of Celebration
• "I'll Keep On" by NF
• 10th Avenue North
• Lauren Daigle's album**
• Danny Gokey's Album "Hope in Front of Me"
• "Unchanged" & "Unstoppable" by Rascal Flatts
• "Go Get It" by Mary Mary
• "Behold Our God" by Together for the Gospel
• Michael W. Smith's Worship Album
• Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir
• Chris Tomlin
• "Sons and Daughters"
• Bethel Worship
• "Bound for Glory" by Vertical Church Band
• Fireproof Album
• "I will Praise You in this Storm"
• Hillsong Oceans
• Hymn "Praise the Lord Almighty"
• Jill Phillips
• Mercy River
• Selah
• Sanctus Real
• Sara Groves
• Christy Nockels
• RSB
• Steven Curtis Chapman
• Andrew Peterson
• Audrey Assad
• Alisa Turner
• Tom Keene
• Mandisa
• Robbie Seay Band
• Janna Long
• Nicole Nordeman
• Bethany Dillon
• Sarah Reeves
• David Crowder Band
• Matthew West

**This Album was recommended multiple times and it is also one that I love. Especially the songs "O'Lord" and "Trust in You."

A few other things I would add, know your triggers, what sets you off. This is SO hard. I don't know all my triggers and I imagine you don't know all of yours. I do know that when I don't get a good night's sleep I am more likely to be down. I also know when I spend a lot of time on social media, or playing video games, it brings me down. Also, if I don't have anything productive to do (rarely happens, but still.) See if you can start identifying your triggers. Another thing I would add, if you can, avoid drama. We all have our own drama, we don't need to be wrapped up in another persons (real, TV or books even!). 

I was listening to music as I was getting ready this morning, half paying attention when this song came on:

"To the voice to the liar in the mirror saying you can't ever change, to the guilt that sittin on your shoulder always keeping you locked in chains. To the past that you can't undo, to the pain that your walkin through, to the small and big mistakes, this is what love wants to say, say goodbye." This is Mandisa's song "Say Goodbye."

Another line says "Don't have to let your story stop here." That one line is really what got my attention. My story doesn't have to end here, and neither does yours. This is a beginning, I mean, after all, isn't admitting you have a problem the first step? 

One of my defense mechanisms (and I don't know why because it's not a good one) is to start isolating myself. A few days before I realize I am depressed (I always first assume it is PMS) I start shutting down. I stop texting friends and family, stop putting posts up, stop going places. This is not good for me and if you do it, it's not good for you either. Please reach out and let someone know what you are going through (you don't have to write a blog post and let the whole world know!).

I have a quote on my bathroom mirror, a daily reminder that says "God and His plan for you do not change in the crossroads." It's from Suzanne Eller's book The Mended Heart: God's Healing For Your Broken Places. Sometimes, when you are in the middle of a depression, it can feel like a crossroads. Do you continue to lie in bed? Or do you get up? Do you take a shower and get dressed? Or do you go lay on the couch? 

Please, let me encourage you, no matter how deep, or how dark the depression may be, to celebrate the small moments. That may be silly, but if you are depressed and you got out of bed today and took a shower and got dressed, congratulations, you have accomplished something!  I know it wasn't easy, but you did it! 

If you think you know someone who is depressed, try to encourage her (or him). Ask if they want to talk about it. If so, please be willing to listen. If it's a pretty good friend, give them a hug, however, it comes with a warning: be prepared for them to cry all over your shoulder. If you are not prepared for that, don't hug them, because they are fragile and they are barely holding it together. Ask them what you can do for them? They may tell you nothing, after all, we are fine. However, please pray for them, no matter what they say. If you are still reading this, pray for me too. If you need prayer, let me know and I will pray for you too. This thing called life is HARD, and it throws some tough things at us. Let's encourage one another daily...it's what we are called to do.

I would like to say thank you to all of the wonderful ladies who contributed to this blog post by leaving comments on my Facebook posts. You have blessed me with your suggestions and my prayer is that they will bless others. I will not put last names to protect their (your) privacy.

 Mary, Tammy, Amber, Jan, Lillian, Jessica, Susanna, Andrea, Ce, Jill, Deanna, Jenn, Jennifer, Keisha, Linda, Connie, Pat, Karla, Megan, Jasmine, Sandra, Lucia, Jennifer, Meredith, Sybilla, Monica, Julie and Holli.

Bible Journaling

When Bible Journaling first came across my radar, I was like "Hmm, that's nice." However, it kept popping up. The more I saw posts, the more I decided I had to do it. However, I needed to examine my motives before diving in. I didn't want this to be a passing phase, and one where I have wasted money on a new Bible, when I have been blessed with multiple Bibles. (I have a thing for Bibles and a story to go with it, but that's another day) Did I want to do it because it seemed to be the newest thing? (Kind of) Did I want to do it because everyone else was doing it? (Kind of) Did I want to do it because I thought it was pretty? (Yes) 

At the heart of it, why exactly did I want to start a Bible Journal? I wanted to start doing a Bible Journal because I wanted to learn more about God's word. Period. I have been a note taker in Church for years, and every once in a while I would write thoughts in my Bible. I had started doing online Bible Studies a few months before this and I was learning a lot of new skills, why not try this one as well? It doesn't matter that I can't draw a stick person to save my life. It doesn't matter that I don't have a creative bone in my body (okay, maybe a teeny, tiny one). What matters is that my heart is in the right place. I looked around and really wanted an NIV Bible, but couldn't find one. So, I decided it was a good time to go back to the King James Version. To me it has always been a bit difficult to understand, but I decided that you could learn more by reading other versions of the Bible (which is true, it gives a slightly different perspective or wording). There are still phrases that I don't understand, and when that happens I look up other versions and see how it's worded. Did you know that you could do that at Bible Gateway? 

Like I mentioned above, I had been doing online Bible Studies, but once I received my Bible that I was going to journal in, I signed up for a few other Bible Study sites. I wanted to see what I could learn from the different studies. I started journaling in May (of this year), today I unsubscribed to one of the emails that I was getting for Bible Study, because I felt I was not getting as much out of that site as I do others. One of my favorite places to do Bible Studies through is Proverbs 31. Each week in their studies they do a "Bible Skills" session. This has been incredible for me, and has taught me so many Bible skills, skills I am surprised I had not learned before!!!

I am not perfect. My entries are not perfect. Some are, in fact, quite child like (doesn't it say, a child will lead them? So why not child-like drawings!). I have misspelled words only to notice it later. I have not shared any entries before this. I feel like what you do is quite personal. But, I want to encourage others. If I can do it, so can you. Again, I can't draw, at all!!! Don't let perfectionism hold you back. I like to think it's more honoring to God, to let go of the mask and show our imperfections. He doesn't demand perfection, He wants our time and attention. When I am writing, drawing or praying in my Bible, I am studying, learning, drawing closer to Him and that is all that matters. Not what my pictures or words look like. 

My first entries into my Bible are right as soon as you open the Bible. The very first entry I did was to dedicate my Bible Journaling experience to God. I used the song "The More I Seek You" by Kari Jobe, because what could be truer? That is the reason why I am doing it, I want to SEEK HIM more! More of Him, less of Me. I did a few other things, including writing a prayer, but as time has passed, I have added more to those two pages. 

Here are a few pictures from some of the pages I have done:

 I like to use stickers...I try to put the main theme (to me!) at the top of the page.

 I wrote a prayer on this one, and then went back and wrote when it was answered.

 This one with the cup is one of my favorites, it's an idea copied from Pinterest, not an original thought, however, this is exactly how I start out each day. I get up, make my coffee and then sit down and spend my time in the Word, as I enjoy my coffee. On the other page, I have written out the 23rd Psalm for the Homeschool Mom (we Homeschool) by Janet Tatman.

 That is my hand on the page in Isaiah, it is one of the promises I hold onto.

 This is another promise...I am ready for a NEW thing!

 Notes from one of the Bible Studies I did in the summer.

 Sometimes songs come to me and I write some of the words on the page.

 I so want to be Zealous for the Lord. I don't care if it makes me a "Jesus Freak." I want to live my life in a way that is pleasing to Him!

Sorry for the images that are turned sideways!!! I should have turned them before I uploaded, but I did mention earlier that I'm not perfect, right? God is good and I am learning so much. My prayer for you is that you would make time, each day, to spend time in His word. Their are seasons that we go through when we have very little time (or make very little time) and God understands that. You will be blessed even if it's a small amount of time. Give Him your first fruits, including your time.

Simplify

I hate clutter. I know I have mentioned that recently, but it is true. You would not know it by looking at certain areas of our apartment, but the clutter has started to take over. It doesn't help that our apartment is small and there is no storage space to speak of. However, today I decided that I would fight back. The kids are at camp, I am caught up on work and there is no better time than today. I identified several problem areas and using the Flylady's principles, set the timer in each room and worked for 15 minutes only!

By the way, my kids would kill me if they knew I was posting this, but what they don't know won't hurt them. I have tried to let them have responsibility for their room and their stuff, but there comes a point when I literally can't take it anymore. I also identified two spots in my room, so it's not just them. I also had the intention of working on the playroom, but it truly overwhelmed me today and I didn't do much there. They are really going to have to help with that one.

So, this is little man's room and closets before I touched anything:

 See that beautiful football toybox? Yeah, it's pretty much empty...

After I worked for 15 minutes:

The Princess's room before:

After my 15 minutes, obviously not perfect, but so much better:

 The bookshelf in my room and my closet before:

After 15 minutes...

 The Living Room bookshelf before and after:

 

                    Okay, so true confessions. When I was cleaning off my bookshelf I came across something I wanted to put in my nightstand drawer...I happened to see this in the drawer (below). Since I wasn't working on that area, I was going to leave it there. I don't remember when I picked up this workout video,(or if Matt got it) my best guess is after my trip to Turkey, where we saw a belly dancing show (when I lived in Kenya, so a million years ago), and thought it would be great exercise. I have since moved this from country to country and never used it. I might have used it one time, but who am I kidding? I will never be a belly dancer, but it's good for a laugh and you just learned something about me you didn't know ;).

Below are the toys and games that I picked up from the playroom that the kids will need to decide if they want to keep or not.

  

 These are the three bags of clothes I pulled out of our closets.

 This row of books is three deep, also to be gotten rid of. In an hour that is a lot of clutter going out of our apartment.

 We are extremely blessed, but sometimes I just want to throw up. We have too much stuff. We don't try to, but it just accumulates. I have tried another Flylady principle, where when you buy a new toy, you get rid of one, but I don't always remember this. It would certainly help to keep the clutter under control.

I was feeling a bit down and very grumpy this morning. After decluttering, or simplifying, I feel SO much better. I truly think less is more, although it is so hard getting rid of stuff. We get rid of stuff every single move, but always seem to accumulate more. The funny thing is Matt took two garbage bags of clothes to work to donate just this morning! I now have 3 more for him to take. Accumulate much? Good grief. 

At least I know that what I am did today helps to simplify for our upcoming move.

Do you have areas in your home where you need to simplify?? I encourage you to set the timer for 15 minutes and get started. You really can do anything for 15 mintues!! And, you will feel good about the progress you have made :)