Rules for dating my kids

 

Matt was not quite ready for Kayla to go back to college this year because he is afraid this will be the year she gets a boyfriend. Now, obviously, he is not afraid, but more like not ready for his "little" girl to grow up. I see it more as a natural progression, she will eventually date, and God willing get married.

One of our friends has a shirt that says, "Rules for dating my daughters-DON'T!" and while I would like to agree and think it is funny every time he wears it, I really do want my kids to eventually date and find their future spouses. 

So, with the two thoughts above swirling in my head, I started constructing this blog post (in my head) a few weeks ago. I am finally taking the time to put thoughts to paper, or cyberspace as the case may be 😂 What you should know before I get into my "rules" is that Matt and I have been praying for Kayla and Elijah's future spouses for as long as I can remember. We want them to be happy, with spouses that will love them for who they are, will be their best friends, and take care of them, in sickness and health.

So without further ado, the rules for dating my children:

1. Love the Lord with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength (Luke 12:30). → If you do this then everything else you do will be easier and flow from this.

2. Kayla and Elijah have been taught to put a potential date into 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. → If you are not patient, kind, truthful, and you are always self-involved then don't bother asking them on a date.

3. Grow in wisdom and stature (Luke 2:52). → Be willing to grow in your faith and knowledge of God, but also, be willing to get to know them.

4. Don't try to change them. → They are starting to get set in their ways and learning who they are, want they want to be and looking to God for wisdom, embrace them as they are and you will both be a lot happier.

5. Don't change who YOU are! They will fall in love (or not) with you, and if you are yourself you will never have to wonder if they like you for you, or the "you" you are portraying. We don't do fake. We value real, honest, authentic relationships.

6. Understand that they come from a close family unit and embrace that, do not try to change that part of them. Know that if you end up dating and heading toward marriage you will be invited into that family unit. Until they are married, I will always side with them in relationship tiffs (unless they are blatantly wrong, at which point I will point that out!), after they are married there will be no sides, as you all will need to work those things out for yourself (Genesis 2:24). And a great article to reference is here.

7. Be a good communicator! Do not rush into a relationship without building good communication skills, this is vital for a healthy relationship. If you do not learn to communicate well while you are dating, why would it be any different for marriage? 

8. Don't date just to date. Date with the intention of marriage, if you don't see that as an option, don't waste each other's time. (interesting article on this topic here)

9. Bonus points if you like to read...not sure we will like you much if you hate to read, LOL! We are all avid readers...but this is obviously not a deal-breaker 😂

Some tips about Kayla:

Kayla can be a bit naive, so do not hint about dating. Don't ask if she'd like to hang out sometime. Be clear and specific in your request (and please do not ask through a text!), speak to her face to face.

Kayla used to be a people pleaser but is learning to use her voice. This means that she might say "I don't care" or "whatever you think" when asked to give her opinion. Don't let her get away with this! Ask her to share her opinions with you, the more you do this the more she is likely to open up to you, and the more comfortable she will be, knowing you are a safe person to open up to.

Kayla has been REALLY spoiled by her grandpa, dad, and brother. She is used to be treated nicely (really like a princess!), the guys always open the door for her, they get her things when she does not feel well, they treat her as an equal, and someone who should be valued. Her grandpa and dad always open car doors for their wives, start their cars, pump their gas when they are around...are you getting the picture, spoiled 😂 This is what she is going to be comparing you to. (also, lots of Disney movies and happily ever after books... you have your work cut out for you!!)

Kayla plans to live near her parents once she finishes college. I think this might change if she falls in love with someone not from around here, but this is currently her goal. She lived in a lot of different places when she was a kid and has no desire to repeat that as an adult, she wants to be settled in one place.

Kayla is a musician and is planning to be a Worship leader, embrace this about her, and encourage her.

Do not discourage Kayla from her dreams. Even if you do not like something, do not discourage her, encourage her to pursue it. If she decides to change her mind, that is okay, but your discouragement will only encourage her to shrink into herself.

Do not yell at her. She is pretty sensitive and this is another way to get her to shrink into herself and shut down. It's okay to get mad  and not see eye to eye, but yelling is unnecessary. If you are angry and feel the need to yell, tell her you need to walk away until you are calm.

Some tips about Elijah:

He is used to opening doors for his mom/sister, strangers, the elderly etc., so even if you are a fiercely independent woman, let him do it (don't change this about him!).

He is used to helping out around the house.

He is caring and compassionate and super sensitive.

He doesn't always have a filter and tends to say what he thinks (this might change over time).

He is working on being open and honest with how he feels and you should encourage that.

He is a hard worker and will do his best to take care of his family.

At the end of the day, I can have my rules, my plans, but God is in charge and I give this to Him completely. As previously stated, we have been praying for their future spouses for years, and I have no doubt that God knows who that will be and will reveal it in His perfect timing. Kayla and Elijah have their own opinions and thoughts and they might not line up with mine...obviously, in this case, their opinions will trump mine 😂