Life Update

Hey friends. I once again disappeared, but didn't mean to. I was planning to do my March picture update, and haven't done it yet. Life has been hard lately and I wanted to do a quick-ish update for the few who do follow this blog and check-in. 

I was called to Indiana on March 31 because my mom had started a drastic decline and could no longer be left alone. She had entered hospice care on March 20, but on Monday the 29th, my older sister was called out of work to go to my mom by the hospice nurse. Apparently they couldn't rouse my mom to answer the door. She was still able to get up and walk around, she was just very slow, and was having some confusion. She had stopped eating, but the day I got there, she ate a Chick-fil-A sandwich for lunch. The next day she ate two meals. What we didn't realize at the time is that the Monday they called my sister was the beginning of the end. When I got there she rallied, and my younger sister got there on Thursday, plus one of her brothers visited her, and that kept her up and alert (she refused to take any meds so she wouldn't be sleepy or out of it). I helped care for her until Saturday, April 4, when she passed away (she literally just drifted into sleep and stopped breathing, so very peaceful). We immediately started cleaning out her apartment on Sunday, Monday was funeral planning, and continuing to clean her stuff out, Wednesday was the funeral and I came home on Thursday.

Since I have been home I have been taking it easy. In some ways I feel like I should work this week, but on the other hand, I decided to take a more gentle approach. Not everyone would agree with it, but I am trying to do what I think is best for me. That looks a lot like self-care this week. I am out walking when the weather is nice, and also trying to get my workouts in. I am not working and I cancelled my two days at the gym because I don't want to have to be rushed this week (the last two weeks were awful for that). A 6 and 7 am gym time is just not ideal, even though I am normally working out at home by 7, it's still different to have to be somewhere by that time. 

On Monday I went through all the pictures my mom left me and organized them in an album. I also took all the thank you notes (which I wrote over the weekend) to the post office to be mailed out. Today (Tuesday), I went through the crochet and sewing stuff and put most of it away (I thought I had finished it all until I just remembered there is some in the garage). I also got my hair cut (which was supposed to have happened last week, but I had to cancel my appointment), and got it colored (still trying to decide if I like it). Tomorrow, I hope to go to my ladies Bible Study, Thursday evening I have book club, but other than those things, I am not making a lot of plans or doing anything that will put a lot of pressure on me.

I know I was right where I was supposed to be and would not change those last days with my mom for anything. But, I didn't have time to process anything while I was there. I missed Easter (she passed the day before) and I missed my son's 21st birthday (he understood/understands, but mom guilt is real). I am still trying to work through some of the stressors that hit me while I was in Indiana and process everything. Sunday, I sat down with Matt and told him everything that I could remember. He came up for my Mom's funeral, but wasn't there for most of what had happened. He came up the day before her funeral and we drove home the day after. His van wouldn't make the trip, so he did a one day rental car so he would be able to drive me home. I was/am so thankful. I did not have the mental capacity to drive for 5 hours home.

Overall, we are super thankful that Mom is no longer suffering, and we could not be more thankful for how peacefully she went. She is still on my mind a lot and the other night I got emotional because I forgot and started to pray for her (but not really forgetting if that makes sense). I am okay most of the time, but other times everything overwhelms me. Matt was talking about some things from work this evening and I just couldn't process what all he was saying, it was just too much information and my brain was hurting. Yet, earlier today I was able to talk about Mom with my stylist and was ok. Grief is a weird thing and I am already seeing it affect me in odd ways (headaches, full head, feeling like crying for no apparent reason). People are already talking about Mother's day and that is hard for me too, I just don't even want to think about it.

The day before Mom's funeral, I was reading from the book Joy of Heaven: Prayers of the Church, and I came across this part of a prayer that reminded me of Mom:

"Make me also willing to refresh my poorer brothers and sisters. Help me to give to them as freely as I myself have received. As I have opportunity, let me do good to all-.."

Mom never had much, but she always seemed to be helping someone, in some way. Never for glory, but for the joy that it gave her.

Anyway, I could ramble on for hours, but I will end here. I don't know what I am going to feel like doing, or blogging, but I do appreciate you all being here. I appreciate every visit, whether you comment or not. I love the comments because I enjoy engaging with you all, and because it lets me know who did stop by 😉.

Oh, if you want to see my Mom's obituary or see the pictures from her slide show (we are in them), you can find it here. 

"I do know that mother loss can be heartbreaking at any age. No matter how old we are, we yearn for a mother's love throughout our lives, reaching for the security and comfort we believe only she can provide at times of illness, transition, or stress." Hope Edleman

¹³ Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. ¹⁴ For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. ¹⁵ According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. ¹⁶ For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. ¹⁷ After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. ¹⁸ Therefore encourage one another with these words. 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18